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“I’m not gonna do the claps,” George Rebelo informed us bluntly at our first practice with him.

I need to kill Tom Gabel, destroy his ego. Forget about the past and move forward completely.

I need transformation, to absorb, transcend, to feel alive. I want a spiritual journey, clean out the trash from the corners of my brain, drop all dead psychic weight.

#TATTOOED SHEMALE HANDS HOW TO#

I just need to figure out how to pull them out. I need to reexamine everything, rethink every thought, go deep, as deep as it takes to find the songs I need. I'm going to wake up, work out, and start the day. If there’s one thing I hope to learn from this tour it's how to be gracious. He’s infinitely more talented of a solo performer than me. Sorry.Ĭhuck Ragan has convinced me to switch set times with him and close the show each night. If I were to say this to anyone, people would think I was an ungrateful asshole, don’t bite the hand that feeds. Some nights it doesn't feel good to be touched by strangers to be standing, eyes closed, singing, and have someone drunkenly throw their arm around your neck and start screaming into your face, the repugnant stench of their rancid beer breath filling your nostrils. Would I be happy? Or would I find myself feeling just as unfulfilled as I do now? Take some money out of the bank, get on a plane to some place I won't be found, change my name, grow my hair long, change my appearance, lose weight, shape my body as close as I can to a woman's, cover up my tattoos, start taking hormones, get plastic surgery, my lips, my nose, breasts. I daydream of disappearing, dropping off the face of the earth. I can't consciously choose an impossible dream sure to provide only isolation and embarrassment over the life I currently have. I don’t know how to make sense of all this, being married, having a baby in October, being in this band. The urge came back and I could not control it. The last time I had dressed in women's clothes was 2005.

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Locked into a routine of wake up and drive, stop for gas, drive some more, sound-check, find something to eat, wait for the show to start, play, load out, drive to hotel, watch TV for an hour, shower, write, sleep, repeat.Īll I can think about lately when I see an attractive female is how much I wish I was them, how much I wish their body was mine. It's the only thing that's going to keep me sane on this run.Īndrew and Jordan are sitting up front, singing made-up songs about 'butthole stimulation.' Andrew's sense of humor is reliant on the human asshole, his or other people's bowel movements, farts, anal sex, etc. I need to find a 24-hour Walmart Super Store or a shopping mall. Weed helps when the dysphoria gets to be too much. I'm trying not to drink on this tour which isn't easy. I’m repulsed by the sight of my own body hair. CONFESSIONS OF PUNK ROCK’S MOST INFAMOUS ANARCHIST SELLOUT

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